A day in January
One day in January, something happened. I don’t even know what it was. Just a great desire for change.
For the first time in my life, I began to open my eyes to spirituality.
This became a starting point for a different kind of life.
Filled with joy, energy, peace of mind and happiness.
Unlike earlier when in my life when I lived in the struggle, depression, and drama.
This is my story
As long as I remember, spirituality has always been something I thought was ugly.
Something you look askance at and something that only “people who do not know better” are involved with. Yes, the list is long for how judgmental I was.
This is what happened in my head:
Ex. I saw religious groups on TV and my thoughts were: “yes, people do weird things. This crazy world”. Or “Yes, some people think that these things really work, it’s insane”. If I meet groups in the city I just gave them a lock of “oh my god, please leave us” or “they are just sick, yep, that´s it!”
Well, back to the story.
When one day I started to approach spirituality, I felt a great resistance throughout my body. , as I did something really ugly.
But I wanted to have my own opinion. I wanted to try out for myself if it was as bad as I knew it to be.
A few months earlier
For several years I had moved. Moved back and forth between different apartments.
I wanted to vomit.
Was so tired of not having a stable home.
The moves just happened. It was different reasons every time.
One day I met Matt and I fell deeply in love.
Matt and I only been together for two months before becoming pregnant.
This was a biiiig surprise but I was overjoyed.
Matt was the man in my life, so this would be wonderful.
This was at least what I thought…
The pregnancy became a hell.
Almost daily I cried and didn’t want to live anymore.
The hormones took over the brain and all my feelings.
Matt got to know me during this time.
He thought this was me. How would I be able to show something else?
I mean, between trying to establish some sort of facade, and crying hysterically there was no chance.
During this time I also moved in with Matt to Lund ( a city in Sweden).
I didn’t want to leave Malmö (a city closed to Lund, where I lived).
For some reason, Malmö had been my sanctuary and the only place I ever felt like home in my adulthood.
The moves inside of Malmö was tough too, but still, I had the feeling of being home. I wanted to stay but Matt won the battle and we moved.
I just felt so strange. I was sad, depressed, tired, angry, annoyed.
Not only that. I also created drama. Continuously.
A drama that didn’t help anyone.
Somewhere inside, I knew that I had created drama so many times before in my life, but this was extreme.
I got pelvic girdle pain and could basically not walk.
The sleep disappeared three weeks before childbirth.
Matt got to know me in this. He felt trapped.
I felt trapped.
I was a complete wreck.
Finally, she came. Our beautiful daughter Tuva! My God, I love her!
Life as new parents in a city you don´t really want to live in, with a man you get to know during your pregnancy, is nothing I recommend.
Still, we managed to magically stick together a little while longer.
During pregnancy, I had been to pregnancy massage. The woman gave me tips to start meditating. She said it would heal me…
“Heal… well, this is strange”, “whoever uses the world heal like this”.. my head is spinning again…
“The massage was incredible, it actually helped me a lot… she seems to know things… but she talked about chakras and stuff…”, “ok I try the meditation, but chakras… nothing I believe in, and healing.. are you crazy??!!!”
This was my first meeting with meditation.
In some strange way, it became my hobby.
I did not think it was very fun or gave anything special actually, but it was still something to hold on to. Something that was no drama.
I did this every day during the second part of my pregnancy.
After Tuva arrived, I rarely meditated. It just ended. There was no time… but I missed it.
Instead, I worked. A lot! Anything to avoid meeting all the tough and heavy emotions.
There was a bookshelf in the neighborhood. The bookshelf was for everybody living there. You just picked a book you liked and put it back after finishing. You could also leave books there if you had one you didn´t want to keep at home.
When Tuva was about a year, I found a book.
The book was called Eat, Pray, Love.
It seemed to be nothing special about this book.
I started to read.
I got madly in love.
It gave me power, it gave me strength and it gave me courage.
If you don´t know about this book, it is about a woman who lives a normal life but had a lot of drama (just like me). She decides to take a year off and visit Italy, India, and Indonesia. The story is about how she finds inner peace and how her life becoming more spiritual through meditation during her trip.
Matt and I were not happy together. We really tried.
In the nighttime, I prayed for help. Not that I believed in God. But there was no one else to talk too.
I don’t know if it was the book or if it just helped me start praying. But suddenly one day I got enough. I walked out.
I guess this was also the best solution for Matt. He was probably grateful that I took the initiative so he didn´t need to.
Matt is a great guy. I want to make that clear.
We just couldn’t collaborate.
What I didn´t know was that this separation, this pregnancy, and all this drama during my life would be the greatest gift I ever received.
The shift – The January day
Two months after the separation I finally got an apartment. The 4 of January. And of course, I moved back to Malmö. Malmö! Finally. I could breathe. I felt alive.
I missed Tuva a lot now when I only could meet her half of the time. Also, I was still very hurt by everything that happened. But having Tuva only half of the time gave me some time for sleep, rest and I could slowly recover.
Just some days after the move IT happened. I don’t remember what day it was but I remember clearly that something new was on its way.
The IT was just a thought, a feeling, an emotion that now a New life was on its way.
I took my computer and promised myself to be open to new things.
Meditation, spirituality, and healing were only some of the things I was reading about that night.
A whole new world appeared in front of me.
How could I not have known about this before?
But I already knew the answer to this question. This was not science. This was “crazy things”.
I decided to keep this completely for my self and learn everything I could by my self.
I wanted to create my own opinion starting from zero.
Only weeks after this I became a new and better version of me.
I realized I had had been in a struggle for over 15 years.
Mostly because I did not follow my inner voice.
Listen to your inside and be careful
Today I am sure that many things that are not scientifically proven actually work. One day, the studies will prove this. Just as we one day discovered that the earth was round.
I also know that Not everything works and that many people simplify thing to sell something. It is very easy to believe things that might hurt you. Especially if you already are the rock bottom.
Following a spiritual path, instead of a scientific path, means that you have to rely on your inner compass. Also, you need to be careful not to go too far into processes before you really know what it is all about.
I don´t believe in everything, BUT, and this is big. I do respect everyone’s beliefs and I am sure things might work for someone that might not work for me.
I am sure now that the world can be totally different in my eyes comparing to yours.
This day in January was the beginning of my journey.
Today I´m happy almost all the time, feeling inner peace, love my life and have daily energy. That is a huge shift and the biggest gift I ever received, beside Tuva of course.
On this blog, I write about everything I learned and things I like. In some places, I give small warnings. Not that I do not believe in what I write, but because I am sure it can be easy to go astray. I want to help people.
Some times I write more scientific and sometimes I write a bit hokey. It depends on what mood I´m in.
Also, I think different people like to read in different ways. And I´m not here to prove anything.
I write what I believe is right and if you disagree, why don´t start your own blog? 😉
Or maybe you are like I was, a big wreck who needs some guidance and your way. Then I´m happy to help you find YOUR way.
Because I found out that there is no right way. I´m very sure about that nowadays.
Everyone has to find their own.
And if I see you in the city making weird spiritual rituals, my thought will be “this is absolutely wonderful, you go girl/boy”!! And if someone comments it, I would ask “did you try it out for your self?”
Love you all!
(Matt have another name in reality)